2018 was a difficult year for me, and I’m not sorry to say I’m happy to see the back of it. That being said there have been a lot of great moments to this year that I won’t take lightly or for granted, but they have all happened within an eclipse that has cast a lingering shadow over my life.
Last year I jumped out of my comfort zone and I started my own business https://littlelearnersuk.com/franchise/waltham-forest/ joining a well loved award winning group of Franchisees who provide messy play and mark making sessions accross the UK – I do it in Waltham Forest East London.
Last year my dad turned 80 and we threw him a huge surprise party with friends and family coming from all over the world to celebrate with him and all of us as family.
Last year my sister in law gave birth to a healthy baby boy, my eldest nephew passed his GCSE’s and went on to study at his chosen school of choice for higher education, my middle niece started secondary school and my son started his journey into becoming the premier league footballer his dad dreams of!!
I discovered Doterra Essential Oils and also made a batch of candles scented with them for Christmas gifts – something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time and they were so well received and I might seriously consider making more to sell at craft fairs or something.
Last year was also when I had a bit of a breakdown. After suffering a missed miscarriage in July, I really struggled with the recurring nightmare of flushing a baby down the toilet. A baby that looked like my son did as a baby. A baby that was my baby. I was wracked with guilt that I didn’t bury my baby – that I just discarded her with the toilet paper and bloodloss. I was unable to sleep for weeks/months. I woke up after 1 or 2 hours with the same nightmare and was unable to fall back to sleep. I remember going to the GP to ask for sleeping tablets when none of my natural remedies would work, and I broke down crying. We both knew sleeping tablets were not the answer.
Several months have now passed and I am feeling a lot better within myself and my mind. Of course not a day goes by when I don’t think about my gone baba – as I write this I should be exactly 32wks pregnant. And it’s not that I’m dwelling on the past or that I’m not grateful for my son or the other wonderful things in my life, its that my pregnancy was real, I was pregnant, I was going to have another child and at a scan at the 8.5wk mark I found out my baby had died just a few days beforehand. And because I still think about that and because I still mention it from time to time other people think its OK to tell me all sorts of well intententioned things that make me want to punch them in the face. I’m never going to get over the loss of my baby and that’s OK. Of course I’m going to be OK – I am OK right now and I will continue to be. Of course I have my amazing son and my beautiful family – doesn’t mean I don’t miss my gone baba. My life is just different now but time has been a great remedy for me. Along with my old faithfuls meditation and yoga.
Here’s looking forward to 2019, with lots of love, health and happiness.
Nat X X
This blog has also been published on my site