It’s 10.47pm and I can’t sleep….Anxiety is a b**ch!!!!!
I’ve always been an anxious person, however after the birth of my daughter 4 years ago my old friend dug its nails in and made a more roomy, permanent home for itself! It was awful, I’d had such an amazing pregnancy with Issabella and was so excited to finally meet our little girl. After so many years of trying to conceive and then having to go through gruelling IVF (that’s another blog for a more suitable time of day) I just imagined it was all going to be sunshine and rainbows, oh how very wrong was I!
It was almost as if my mind had been taken over by this alien who wanted to make my life hell, and my god it did just that! I wouldn’t leave Issabella, freaked out when people wanted to hold her, panicked when she cried thinking she was severely ill, the list is endless!
Anxiety plays tricks on you, it twists scenarios in your head into something incomprehendable! It’s goes as far as putting thoughts of death there and just leaves you whirling round in circles trying to shake it off. It doesn’t let you though it goes on for hours sometimes days until you crack and have a full blown panic attack! It took me 3 panic attacks to realise I wasn’t well and needed help. I wish I’d done it sooner, however the control freak side of me was saying “your fine, you’ve got this, it’ll pass” but it never did!
I was referred to Talking therapies for counselling by my doctor. My counsellor was amazing, she listened to everything I needed to say, I never felt judged once. For the first time in 9 months I felt safe and this was a huge relief, I think I cried for the first 5 sessions which she wasn’t bothered by! Since then I’ve had two more stints with a counsellor this time have CBT (Cognitive Brain Therapy) this gives you the tools to use on a daily basis, training your brain into a new way of thinking when you start to spot the signs that your anxiety is popping in to say hi!
Today mine didn’t pop in, it barged in and winded me! I caught Issabella sitting at a third floor window at my parents house. She’d managed to take off the safety latch and has the window wide open hanging out! Of course that’s going to give any parent a fright and set them off. However for me, it’s caused a bit of a relapse in my long term recovery! She’s fine, sound asleep but my brains telling me about the worst possible outcome once again! Anxiety is something that will stay with me forever, I won’t wake up one day and it’ll be gone! I will battle with this for the rest of my life.
I’m just so grateful to have so many loving people around me who help and support me whenever I need it, unfortunately for some this isn’t the case! Please always remember to be kind to others, you never know what they are going through!
Anxiety hurts, it’s crushes your chest and gives you such an ache in the pit of your stomach that no amount of painkillers is ever going to help! If you see someone struggling reach out to them, go for a cuppa and a chat and please don’t ever judge! Anxiety is a mental illness that no one chooses to have, it’s just not talked about as much as other illnesses!
If your reading this and thinking “this is me” please seek help. Even if you do it in tiny baby steps and speak to the person closest to you, just please speak up! I’ll pop a website below for Moodzone & my local Talking Therapies, however you should be able to find yours through our good friend Google too 🙂
Gateshead Talking Therapies >> https://www.gatesheadtalkingtherapies.nhs.uk/contact-us/
NHS Moodzone >>https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/
Thanks so much for reading guys, Sleep well Emma x